It's the Zombies this time for Mc. The Fallen Angel wonders what brought this on.
Well, no one told me about her
Though they all knew
But it's too late to say you're sorry
How would I know, why should I care?
Please don't bother trying to find her
She's not there
He thinks perhaps it's because Mc is quickly falling into her "let me hide" mode. This is cyclical, especially as Christmas approaches and annoys the Fallen Angel because it means Mc believes no one wants her around anyway so why can't she just disappear? As it happens, a memory keeps worming its way into her conscious thought and she doesn't want to think about it. It will mean she has remembered what for her is the worst of the sexual abuse, though that nagging feeling there's much more never goes away. Still though, she hates this memory so much and dismisses it whenever it raises its ugly head.
The strangest part of it was, it wasn't invasive. CWF, to Mc's knowledge, never fucked her. There was this one night where she had fallen asleep next to him, or at least pretended to, simply being too afraid of the dark to go to her room. And of course CWF being the fuck he is, invited her to climb into bed next to him. NCW was away at some function and Mc's younger brother was asleep in the next room. Mc's older sister was gone by this time or playing in her band, Mc can't remember.
CWF took her little 12 year old hand and pushed it into his underwear and used her to jack him off.
There.
The Fallen Angel tips her chin up and looks meaningfully at her. "Now it's been said aloud," he whispers. Mc nods.
When CWF came, he wiped her hand off on his t-shirt and said, "I shouldn't have done that. Do you forgive me?"
Do you forgive me?
She was 12. She didn't know what the fuck had just happened, how could she forgive it?
Mc was never taught about sex. What she knew she had surreptitiously read in an ancient sex encyclopedia she found in the back of NCW's cupboard, which of course explained nothing about what an erect cock looked like let alone what it felt like. To a twelve-year old, the words "ejaculation" and "orgasm" had no meaning. A year later when she wrote her first erotica, she still didn't know, having the man putting his penis into the woman once, pulling it out and that was sex to her. She still had no idea what CWF had done with her.
When she found toilet paper wrapped bundles in the wastebasket in the bathroom, she told NCW about it as a waste of toilet paper and NCW gave her a withering look and told her not to be "so naive". When she finally got her period, NCW gave her pads and left her to figure it out for herself. Mc's older sister taught her what she needed to know. That sex hurt and Mc should never do it until she was in love.
So when CWF asked her to forgive him, she pretended she had slept through the whole thing and "woke up" asking him what he'd said. He told her to go to her room. Since she had joined him being afraid of the dark and not wanting to sleep alone, this felt like a punishment to her, making the whole event even more disturbing.
And yet somehow she knew she couldn't tell a soul.
The reason Mc thinks more than this went on, is how sexually oriented she has always been. At six years of age, she remembers playing with herself. She remembers putting a pin in a wooden block and pushing the pin into that mysterious hole down there. NCW came in and asked what she was doing and she showed her the block. NCW raised an eyebrow and told her she didn't need to hide that. Mc figures NCW didn't see the pin. Mc also wonders what guardian angel was nearby making sure the pin didn't come off the block. The Fallen Angel smiles but doesn't confess and Mc is left with the continuing mystery of what seems like a charmed life she half leads.
Mc remembers playing with herself during that time period before CWF made her jack him off. She doesn't remember ever actually coming, but knows she must have had some form of orgasm. She remembers also during that time she had a boyfriend who she let touch her budding little breasts, while he kissed her, but wouldn't let him kiss her breasts. She remembers being fascinated with her breasts, how they grew. Remembers writing on them when she was bored one night. Remembers pressing the head of a pin into the nipple of one watching with great fascination as the pinhead pushed her nipple into her skin and then the sudden pain she felt when she'd gone too far. Mc knows now it's because she was busy growing then. Mc's husband loves all of her, but confesses that the size of her boobies is what first got his attention. This makes Mc laugh because he's so sweet to love her and yet be such a boy about things.
The Fallen Angel smiles. Mc's memories are quite meandering and it's good to end on a happy note. Maybe they will begin exploring the Scarlet Abyss much sooner than he thought.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Real World Interlude
Pondering has become a way of escape for Mc and the Fallen Angel is leaving her to it. She has real world considerations and makes her way through it with difficulty sometimes. Sometimes dealing with other human beings who do not understand her becomes too hard and she sabotages the "friendship" in order to make sure she doesn't have to deal with it anymore. It was easy before. Before she was pretty much guaranteed not to have to deal with people for more than a year at a time. But now she has been in the same place for 17 years and has belonged to a community of women who all have the same interest in one celebrity as she does, for five. This is something new and some of the people she has to deal with do not respond well to her inability to handle every situation in what would be considered "normal" ways.
She has managed to surround herself with five wonderful women who understand her and allow her the occasional flair up of imagined hurt, impatient scolding and sadness-infused writings. It probably would have been best if she had just kept her involvement in this fandom to that group, but ever the people-pleaser, she has made a "name" for herself in the community (for want of a better way of putting it) and now has obligations that require her to be "on" every day. This is exhausting and she makes many mistakes, each one which she agonizes over for days even weeks before she can let it go as life-lesson learned. Yes, at 46 years of age she is still learning how to be an adult. She doesn't think she ever will.
The Fallen Angel hears her muttering to herself about today's fracas and wishes he could simply flip a switch that makes her let it go, but knows she will not until she's gnawed through it to its core, coming to her independent conclusion that all things must be let go. He can only hope for the day when she truly does let go of all these things that plague her, but until she does, he is forced to simply hold her hand and wait.
He is an impatient Fallen Angel, though, and sighs while he sits next to her.
She has managed to surround herself with five wonderful women who understand her and allow her the occasional flair up of imagined hurt, impatient scolding and sadness-infused writings. It probably would have been best if she had just kept her involvement in this fandom to that group, but ever the people-pleaser, she has made a "name" for herself in the community (for want of a better way of putting it) and now has obligations that require her to be "on" every day. This is exhausting and she makes many mistakes, each one which she agonizes over for days even weeks before she can let it go as life-lesson learned. Yes, at 46 years of age she is still learning how to be an adult. She doesn't think she ever will.
The Fallen Angel hears her muttering to herself about today's fracas and wishes he could simply flip a switch that makes her let it go, but knows she will not until she's gnawed through it to its core, coming to her independent conclusion that all things must be let go. He can only hope for the day when she truly does let go of all these things that plague her, but until she does, he is forced to simply hold her hand and wait.
He is an impatient Fallen Angel, though, and sighs while he sits next to her.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
One Good Memory Deserves Another
The Fallen Angel is resigning himself to Mc's lengthy stay in her corner. Once more the day has begun with Mc sitting there, thinking, remembering and weeping. When she cries uncontrollably and begins rocking, the Fallen Angel knows that the memories are particularly horrid and can only sit helplessly with her, holding her hand and caressing her cheek, hoping it will soon pass and another good memory will occur to her.
Mc remembers many goodbyes. She's like the line from "The Big Chill": "I've said goodbye to more places than you've been to." She has no home town. No roots. Nothing she can point to and say, "That's where I come from," because all those places are tinged with a darkness called her parents.
Once there was a man who was an elder in a church they went to where CWF was not the preacher. The preacher himself was a wonderful man whom Mc wished were her father. The elder, whose name she does not remember so we will call him Tom, he was a different story. She developed a crush on him. He was a sweet person and was very kind to her. This memory comes to her at very odd times and though she smiles, the smile is sardonic because she simply did not understand what she was feeling at the time until it was too late to enjoy.
What was significant about Tom was that not only must he have known how Mc felt, but that his wife did too. And they both accepted this from Mc. Seemingly encouraged it as well. They often invited her over to their home for dinner or just to "hang out". Never any of her other family members, just her. She was only 11 at the time so this was indeed odd and as an adult, Mc has realised that he knew. That more importantly his wife knew and they neither of them had any problem with it. This warms Mc's heart and again she is surprised that there were adults in her life who treated her kindly.
That last night, when she was invited over for dinner to say goodbye, Tom gave her a bible and had written an inscription in it that wasn't significant, and indeed Mc can't remember what it said, but she remembers when she read it, that was when she knew Tom knew she had a crush on him. In fast succession all the visits were now painted with this knowledge and it rocked Mc to her core that an adult male had not used her even knowing she had these feelings for him. She stood there with the bible in her hands looking up at Tom with tears in her eyes and Tom's wife patted her on the shoulder and that's when she realised she too knew of her feelings for Tom and now all their history together was coloured with that knowledge and Mc was unable to process that until many days later.
Thus began Mc's ability to understand that CWF and NCW were not normal. And that she did not have to let them abuse her. But it would take another five years before she could make the break from them. It would take another 23 years after that to remove herself completely from anything to do with them.
The Fallen Angel watches this memory pass through Mc and tips her chin up to look into her eyes.
"Soon?" he asks. She nods. But they both know she has more to ponder before she can leave her corner and explore the Abyss.
Mc remembers many goodbyes. She's like the line from "The Big Chill": "I've said goodbye to more places than you've been to." She has no home town. No roots. Nothing she can point to and say, "That's where I come from," because all those places are tinged with a darkness called her parents.
Once there was a man who was an elder in a church they went to where CWF was not the preacher. The preacher himself was a wonderful man whom Mc wished were her father. The elder, whose name she does not remember so we will call him Tom, he was a different story. She developed a crush on him. He was a sweet person and was very kind to her. This memory comes to her at very odd times and though she smiles, the smile is sardonic because she simply did not understand what she was feeling at the time until it was too late to enjoy.
What was significant about Tom was that not only must he have known how Mc felt, but that his wife did too. And they both accepted this from Mc. Seemingly encouraged it as well. They often invited her over to their home for dinner or just to "hang out". Never any of her other family members, just her. She was only 11 at the time so this was indeed odd and as an adult, Mc has realised that he knew. That more importantly his wife knew and they neither of them had any problem with it. This warms Mc's heart and again she is surprised that there were adults in her life who treated her kindly.
That last night, when she was invited over for dinner to say goodbye, Tom gave her a bible and had written an inscription in it that wasn't significant, and indeed Mc can't remember what it said, but she remembers when she read it, that was when she knew Tom knew she had a crush on him. In fast succession all the visits were now painted with this knowledge and it rocked Mc to her core that an adult male had not used her even knowing she had these feelings for him. She stood there with the bible in her hands looking up at Tom with tears in her eyes and Tom's wife patted her on the shoulder and that's when she realised she too knew of her feelings for Tom and now all their history together was coloured with that knowledge and Mc was unable to process that until many days later.
Thus began Mc's ability to understand that CWF and NCW were not normal. And that she did not have to let them abuse her. But it would take another five years before she could make the break from them. It would take another 23 years after that to remove herself completely from anything to do with them.
The Fallen Angel watches this memory pass through Mc and tips her chin up to look into her eyes.
"Soon?" he asks. She nods. But they both know she has more to ponder before she can leave her corner and explore the Abyss.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Who Will Save Your Soul?
Mc is listening to Jewel's "Who Will Save Your Soul". She is struck by the line, "And who will save your soul, when you won't save your own?" She looks up plaintively at the Fallen Angel who shrugs and raises one eyebrow at her. She needs to learn that she is the only one who can save herself from falling into the darker bowels of bitterness. That is from whence come the sociopaths who use their abusive childhoods as excuses for tormenting the rest of the human race. Mc knows she would never do anything like that, but does know if she had children herself she would abuse them. And so it came to pass that she refused to have children, even aborting one when a horrible mistake happened. She, who could love a family the size of a rugby team has kept herself childless, preferring the love of soft toys and books and movies and celebrities who star in her favourite films and shows.
The Fallen Angel smiles a secret smile to himself knowing the role he plays in a part of this last.
Mc has been told she would make a good mother, but she knows she wouldn't. She can see herself easily beating her child, berating them and pushing all the right buttons to make them feel small. She has on occasion done this to the only person who loves her now, her husband. Yes, it is true, despite everything, Mc has secured herself a husband. A man who loves her so much it makes Mc wonder what she did in a past life to deserve him. Mc doesn't really believe in reincarnation, but it's something she likes to tell her friends to deflect the fact that she has no idea how she became so lucky to have found this wonderful man. She hopes she loves him as much. She likes to think she does, but some days she wonders if she's just using him because he'll do anything for her and she knows it. She knows how much she is like NCW. It's why she doubts herself so much and why she has no children.
The Fallen Angel wonders if she will emerge from her corner this day but alas, not yet. Mc sits quietly, rocking and weeping once more. How many tears has she shed through the years? She doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to waste a drop of anguish on any member of her family, but she can't help it when it comes to herself. She wonders if she is being self-pitying and hopes she isn't. She doesn't want to feel sorry for herself. But she does feel sorry for the child she was. Like the line in the film, "Manhunter", she feels very sorry for the child, but despises any self-pity she might fall into as an adult and tries desperately not to do that. When the subject turns to her abuse she tries not to dwell, but one thing still nags at her. Did CWF do anything besides the things she can remember? Did he take her virgnity? She honestly doesn't know. Just remembers that the night she supposedly had sex for the "first" time wasn't anything like what had been described in the books she read. She has no way to get that question answered though. The Fallen Angel knows it will haunt her forever.
One film Mc loves is "Sybil". It reminds her that she was barely mistreated when compared to Sally Fields' character. She has read the book as well and secretly thanks her lucky stars that she wasn't done to similarly. She doubts she would have survived. Her aunt A told her once that she was surprised Mc hadn't ended up as a prostitute in the streets of a Metropolis near where she almost ended up for the rest of her life. Thankfully, she moved and ended up in a town on the other side of the world from where the abuse took place but in so many ways is exactly like her "home town".
The Fallen Angel laughs sardonically at that. "Home" town. Mc has been moved thanks to NCW more times than even the most moved around army brat. Once in a conversation later denied, NCW blamed CWF's indescretions for their constant moving. Mc knows that while that may have played a part, certainly a preacher fucking his flock is nothing new but nothing to ignore either, she also has very clear memories of NCW's never-ending nagging of whatever was wrong with whatever house they may be living in at the moment. NCW was never happy. She abhorred CWF's inability to make enough money to keep her happy and made sure he and every member of their small family knew it too, having loud fights about it whenever something could not be purchased for her. The children went without then, a natural conclusion for someone who is utterly taken with themselves.
Mc suddenly smiles again and this time the Fallen Angel knows she is thinking of RCG. One's first love is never forgotten. Mc has tried to find him through the internet, but she is growing increasingly sure that he was killed in the Border Wars in her birth country. RCG never loved her back, but Mc fell and fell hard for him. Bless him, he knew and tried treating her kindly, but Mc was far too damaged by then to be satisfied with anything less than full return. Unrequited love was a hard lesson to learn, but she doesn't blame RCG. Just hopes that he didn't die and that he's happy with a multitude of children and a gorgeous wife because he deserves that for the kindness he showed her.
Mc is lost in nostalgia now. She spent 1977 in a very good place, NCW and CWF notwithstanding. Her memories of that year are the ones she calls her childhood. She starred in a school play, had several boyfriends and felt normal for many months in a row. She had crushes on two teachers, made many friends and just was.
The Fallen Angel smiles and leaves Mc with her memories. The Scarlet Abyss can handle wholesomeness once in awhile.
The Fallen Angel smiles a secret smile to himself knowing the role he plays in a part of this last.
Mc has been told she would make a good mother, but she knows she wouldn't. She can see herself easily beating her child, berating them and pushing all the right buttons to make them feel small. She has on occasion done this to the only person who loves her now, her husband. Yes, it is true, despite everything, Mc has secured herself a husband. A man who loves her so much it makes Mc wonder what she did in a past life to deserve him. Mc doesn't really believe in reincarnation, but it's something she likes to tell her friends to deflect the fact that she has no idea how she became so lucky to have found this wonderful man. She hopes she loves him as much. She likes to think she does, but some days she wonders if she's just using him because he'll do anything for her and she knows it. She knows how much she is like NCW. It's why she doubts herself so much and why she has no children.
The Fallen Angel wonders if she will emerge from her corner this day but alas, not yet. Mc sits quietly, rocking and weeping once more. How many tears has she shed through the years? She doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to waste a drop of anguish on any member of her family, but she can't help it when it comes to herself. She wonders if she is being self-pitying and hopes she isn't. She doesn't want to feel sorry for herself. But she does feel sorry for the child she was. Like the line in the film, "Manhunter", she feels very sorry for the child, but despises any self-pity she might fall into as an adult and tries desperately not to do that. When the subject turns to her abuse she tries not to dwell, but one thing still nags at her. Did CWF do anything besides the things she can remember? Did he take her virgnity? She honestly doesn't know. Just remembers that the night she supposedly had sex for the "first" time wasn't anything like what had been described in the books she read. She has no way to get that question answered though. The Fallen Angel knows it will haunt her forever.
One film Mc loves is "Sybil". It reminds her that she was barely mistreated when compared to Sally Fields' character. She has read the book as well and secretly thanks her lucky stars that she wasn't done to similarly. She doubts she would have survived. Her aunt A told her once that she was surprised Mc hadn't ended up as a prostitute in the streets of a Metropolis near where she almost ended up for the rest of her life. Thankfully, she moved and ended up in a town on the other side of the world from where the abuse took place but in so many ways is exactly like her "home town".
The Fallen Angel laughs sardonically at that. "Home" town. Mc has been moved thanks to NCW more times than even the most moved around army brat. Once in a conversation later denied, NCW blamed CWF's indescretions for their constant moving. Mc knows that while that may have played a part, certainly a preacher fucking his flock is nothing new but nothing to ignore either, she also has very clear memories of NCW's never-ending nagging of whatever was wrong with whatever house they may be living in at the moment. NCW was never happy. She abhorred CWF's inability to make enough money to keep her happy and made sure he and every member of their small family knew it too, having loud fights about it whenever something could not be purchased for her. The children went without then, a natural conclusion for someone who is utterly taken with themselves.
Mc suddenly smiles again and this time the Fallen Angel knows she is thinking of RCG. One's first love is never forgotten. Mc has tried to find him through the internet, but she is growing increasingly sure that he was killed in the Border Wars in her birth country. RCG never loved her back, but Mc fell and fell hard for him. Bless him, he knew and tried treating her kindly, but Mc was far too damaged by then to be satisfied with anything less than full return. Unrequited love was a hard lesson to learn, but she doesn't blame RCG. Just hopes that he didn't die and that he's happy with a multitude of children and a gorgeous wife because he deserves that for the kindness he showed her.
Mc is lost in nostalgia now. She spent 1977 in a very good place, NCW and CWF notwithstanding. Her memories of that year are the ones she calls her childhood. She starred in a school play, had several boyfriends and felt normal for many months in a row. She had crushes on two teachers, made many friends and just was.
The Fallen Angel smiles and leaves Mc with her memories. The Scarlet Abyss can handle wholesomeness once in awhile.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Time To Mourn
Mc's stay in the Scarlet Abyss has been very good for her so far, though she does not recognise it as yet. However, it has been sinking into her mind slowly that to be able to sit in her corner, rocking and weeping is actually something she needs to do. Though the Fallen Angel wants this part to be over and is sometimes far too impatient for it to end, he has accepted that Mc must mourn the loss of her childhood. She spent too many years ignoring the loss. It atrophied her almost completely and now she must break through the marble of her mask and become part of the World.
This takes time.
Right now she is wrestling with the memory she believes must be faux, that the bitch-who-bore-her knew about everything that happened to her. Another too-long moniker. Let's call her Narcissistic Cuntlike Witch, NCW also for ease of typing.
Why she wrestles with it, is NCW is a consummate liar. She has the ability to seamlessly rewrite history to make herself the perpetual victim, the ultimate martyr, the heroine "legend in her own mind". She once told Mc that if anyone got between her and her children, she would fight to the death to protect them.
Mc finds that difficult to believe. It didn't include protecting Mc from CWF or NCW.
So wrapped up in her own "suffering", NCW never once took notice of the large, neon-bright clues that Mc was being sexually abused by CWF. NCW brought making it all about her to new levels of art. NCW's favourite thing to tell her children was, "When I say jump, you say, 'How high?'" Her favourite thing to tell people who asked why she didn't have a dishwasher was to point to her two daughters and say she already had two. She thought nothing of leaving a nine year old Mc in charge of her two year old brother for hours every day. And then punish her severely when Mc failed to take proper care of the child. Mc still feels she should have done better and the Fallen Angel sighs, wondering when she will recognise that she was but a child herself.
NCW was an expert at driving CWF to beating Mc for the least infraction by nagging at him until he had no other recourse than to take severe action, punishment not fitting the crime in the slightest. She could nag better than any shrew. NCW's voice is actually one of the reasons Mc's older sister got herself pregnant so she could leave home. Once, NCW berated CWF for so long, he beat Mc with his belt until her thighs were so covered by bruises you couldn't see normal coloured skin anywhere above her knees for weeks. Mc showed her friend at school the next day what was hidden conveniently under the skirt of her school uniform and her friend gasped. It didn't occur to Mc that she should show perhaps a teacher or some other adult. She was still under the impression that whatever CWF and NCW did to her was sanctioned by the World.
She now wonders how it was that CWF could be so out of control that night as to fling her over the couch, tipping it over onto its back, yet still manage not to bruise her anywhere that would show outside of what her short-sleeved uniform would cover. Mc remembers actually turning tail and running to her bedroom down the hall because she was terrified into a self-protective act for the first time in her life by his behaviour and the look in his eyes and the growls emitting from his throat. She remembers NCW shouting at her when she did this, that yes, she better run and hide and not to come out until she was told she could. She now can ask herself how was it that CWF could pay attention to where he grabbed her so as to not leave a hand-print on her arm below where the sleeve ended? That had to have taken some thought, given how short the sleeve was. Now that she is able to think about things like this, she is beginning to feel more and more confident about her decision to disown all of her family all these years ago now.
At one point in her childhood, Mc was made to eat her dinner each night staring at CWF's belt, a reminder that those who do not clean their plates get beaten. One wonders if that would have been necessary had NCW any ability in making palatable meals. CWF and NCW would call these beatings "spankings" or "hidings", but Mc knows now that she was beaten. A "normal parent" does not take a belt to a small child and whip them and it can be called a "spanking". This was for the short time they spent in a flat near the beach in a town far from here. Mc thinks she was nine then. It all blurs together in her mind. She knows she wasn't seven because she was not allowed a seventh birthday, having gotten into a car with a stranger who needed directions. Her two friends at the time hopped onto the back of the truck, but Mc had to get into the cab, helpful little shit that she is. NCW came tearing out of the house, screaming at the driver to stop and demanding Mc get out. Never mind that the truck had already begun slowing down as they were approaching where Mc was directing the driver to in the first place.
Then, instead of teaching her youngest daughter how bad a thing it was and how much NCW loved her and wanted her to be safe, she was ostricised for days and had her seventh birthday taken away. It wasn't too much of a wonder then that Mc began wetting the bed regularly. That resulted in more recurring beatings, being tossed like a rag into the bathroom time and again. When this memory occurs to Mc, the Fallen Angel shakes his head and wonders why there was never a question as to why Mc did this. And then remembers what the "N" stands for in NCW.
Mc smiles suddenly and the Fallen Angel perks up to see what has caused this. Ah, yes. The dog. A beautiful German Shepherd called Lolly, because one ear "lolled" to the side, preventing him from becoming a show dog and therefore being freely given to Mc's family. Lolly was the only member of her family who was happy to see her arrive home from school. Seven years of age and she had to rely on the family pet for love.
Tears slowly roll down Mc's cheeks now because she has once again performed the count of how many times in her entire childhood she was told she was loved by either CWF or NCW and cannot complete even one circuit of one hand. Mc is sadly one of those human beings who craves familial love to distraction. She weeps openly at movies, television programmes, even adverts that show families who love each other to the point of self-sacrifice, never questioning what they must do for a sibling or parent because "they're family". The Fallen Angel sees now that this is why Mc mourns for so long. It isn't just the loss, it's that it was something she needed to survive and was denied in that most heinous of ways. Unlike her older sister who coped because of the favoured position she held as the stubborn eldest who stood up for herself and would not allow herself to be abused, Mc, the easy gullible target, was already abused just by the absence of love. Coupled with the physical and mental abuse, it is no surprise that this is more than just trauma. This is nearly a mental and emotional breakdown.
The Fallen Angel crouches down in front of Mc, caresses her cheek and nods in understanding.
Yes, the lost childhood must be mourned before the healing can begin.
This takes time.
Right now she is wrestling with the memory she believes must be faux, that the bitch-who-bore-her knew about everything that happened to her. Another too-long moniker. Let's call her Narcissistic Cuntlike Witch, NCW also for ease of typing.
Why she wrestles with it, is NCW is a consummate liar. She has the ability to seamlessly rewrite history to make herself the perpetual victim, the ultimate martyr, the heroine "legend in her own mind". She once told Mc that if anyone got between her and her children, she would fight to the death to protect them.
Mc finds that difficult to believe. It didn't include protecting Mc from CWF or NCW.
So wrapped up in her own "suffering", NCW never once took notice of the large, neon-bright clues that Mc was being sexually abused by CWF. NCW brought making it all about her to new levels of art. NCW's favourite thing to tell her children was, "When I say jump, you say, 'How high?'" Her favourite thing to tell people who asked why she didn't have a dishwasher was to point to her two daughters and say she already had two. She thought nothing of leaving a nine year old Mc in charge of her two year old brother for hours every day. And then punish her severely when Mc failed to take proper care of the child. Mc still feels she should have done better and the Fallen Angel sighs, wondering when she will recognise that she was but a child herself.
NCW was an expert at driving CWF to beating Mc for the least infraction by nagging at him until he had no other recourse than to take severe action, punishment not fitting the crime in the slightest. She could nag better than any shrew. NCW's voice is actually one of the reasons Mc's older sister got herself pregnant so she could leave home. Once, NCW berated CWF for so long, he beat Mc with his belt until her thighs were so covered by bruises you couldn't see normal coloured skin anywhere above her knees for weeks. Mc showed her friend at school the next day what was hidden conveniently under the skirt of her school uniform and her friend gasped. It didn't occur to Mc that she should show perhaps a teacher or some other adult. She was still under the impression that whatever CWF and NCW did to her was sanctioned by the World.
She now wonders how it was that CWF could be so out of control that night as to fling her over the couch, tipping it over onto its back, yet still manage not to bruise her anywhere that would show outside of what her short-sleeved uniform would cover. Mc remembers actually turning tail and running to her bedroom down the hall because she was terrified into a self-protective act for the first time in her life by his behaviour and the look in his eyes and the growls emitting from his throat. She remembers NCW shouting at her when she did this, that yes, she better run and hide and not to come out until she was told she could. She now can ask herself how was it that CWF could pay attention to where he grabbed her so as to not leave a hand-print on her arm below where the sleeve ended? That had to have taken some thought, given how short the sleeve was. Now that she is able to think about things like this, she is beginning to feel more and more confident about her decision to disown all of her family all these years ago now.
At one point in her childhood, Mc was made to eat her dinner each night staring at CWF's belt, a reminder that those who do not clean their plates get beaten. One wonders if that would have been necessary had NCW any ability in making palatable meals. CWF and NCW would call these beatings "spankings" or "hidings", but Mc knows now that she was beaten. A "normal parent" does not take a belt to a small child and whip them and it can be called a "spanking". This was for the short time they spent in a flat near the beach in a town far from here. Mc thinks she was nine then. It all blurs together in her mind. She knows she wasn't seven because she was not allowed a seventh birthday, having gotten into a car with a stranger who needed directions. Her two friends at the time hopped onto the back of the truck, but Mc had to get into the cab, helpful little shit that she is. NCW came tearing out of the house, screaming at the driver to stop and demanding Mc get out. Never mind that the truck had already begun slowing down as they were approaching where Mc was directing the driver to in the first place.
Then, instead of teaching her youngest daughter how bad a thing it was and how much NCW loved her and wanted her to be safe, she was ostricised for days and had her seventh birthday taken away. It wasn't too much of a wonder then that Mc began wetting the bed regularly. That resulted in more recurring beatings, being tossed like a rag into the bathroom time and again. When this memory occurs to Mc, the Fallen Angel shakes his head and wonders why there was never a question as to why Mc did this. And then remembers what the "N" stands for in NCW.
Mc smiles suddenly and the Fallen Angel perks up to see what has caused this. Ah, yes. The dog. A beautiful German Shepherd called Lolly, because one ear "lolled" to the side, preventing him from becoming a show dog and therefore being freely given to Mc's family. Lolly was the only member of her family who was happy to see her arrive home from school. Seven years of age and she had to rely on the family pet for love.
Tears slowly roll down Mc's cheeks now because she has once again performed the count of how many times in her entire childhood she was told she was loved by either CWF or NCW and cannot complete even one circuit of one hand. Mc is sadly one of those human beings who craves familial love to distraction. She weeps openly at movies, television programmes, even adverts that show families who love each other to the point of self-sacrifice, never questioning what they must do for a sibling or parent because "they're family". The Fallen Angel sees now that this is why Mc mourns for so long. It isn't just the loss, it's that it was something she needed to survive and was denied in that most heinous of ways. Unlike her older sister who coped because of the favoured position she held as the stubborn eldest who stood up for herself and would not allow herself to be abused, Mc, the easy gullible target, was already abused just by the absence of love. Coupled with the physical and mental abuse, it is no surprise that this is more than just trauma. This is nearly a mental and emotional breakdown.
The Fallen Angel crouches down in front of Mc, caresses her cheek and nods in understanding.
Yes, the lost childhood must be mourned before the healing can begin.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Exploration Begins
Mc is still in her corner of the Abyss. If only she would get up, walk around, explore. The Fallen Angel doesn't understand why she can't simply let go of her fear and walk the length and breadth of the delicious redness; panting heavily all around her, she'd realise there's so much more to life than trying not to think about the past abuses she endured. Surely she realises there's so many others who have suffered far more than she has. Why does she dwell on the horrors in her mind, play them over and over despite promising herself she won't. And then something happens, a simple little thing like a birthday which reminds her of the birthday card she received from CWF years ago that pretended he'd never done anything to her. Even went so far as to mention an event which for him was a joyful occasion and for her was yet another situation where she had to fight to keep his hands off her, knowing he was enjoying the feel of her body against his on that motorbike in an extremely inappropriate way.
This also reminds her of the reason for that weekly motorbike ride which was to go into the city and receive her allergy injection from a doctor who thought nothing of having his patient remove her jeans and underwear and lie on the examination table, bare ass towards the window without drawing the curtains. She rationalises that they were on the tenth floor of an office building but still wonders why the curtains were never drawn. Perhaps to keep her vulnerable, scared and feeling largely unprotected.
Mc grew up quite unprotected. The Fallen Angel is sympathetic because of this.
Mc becomes quite astounded when she comes to this realisation of how little she was protected from almost every male in her life. Along with CWF, there was a family friend who played with her budding little bosoms when she was as young as six. Then confessed to her he "shouldn't be doing this," yet never stopped. In later years she came to understand that like attracts like and this man knew he could get away with what he was doing because he knew CWF was doing something similar. It was as if all the pedophiles within calling distance knew they could come prey on her because they wouldn't be stopped.
For Mc, she actually is finding it difficult to remember any good times, though she knows there had to be some. It wasn't just sexual abuse that surrounded her. It was beatings and mind games too. The Fallen Angel is patient with her because of this as well.
And he watches and waits as she rocks in her little corner, sometimes weeping, always sad. He waits for her to lift her head and look at him so they can begin the exploration of the Scarlet Abyss.
But before she can let go of everything, she has more explorations within her mind.
This also reminds her of the reason for that weekly motorbike ride which was to go into the city and receive her allergy injection from a doctor who thought nothing of having his patient remove her jeans and underwear and lie on the examination table, bare ass towards the window without drawing the curtains. She rationalises that they were on the tenth floor of an office building but still wonders why the curtains were never drawn. Perhaps to keep her vulnerable, scared and feeling largely unprotected.
Mc grew up quite unprotected. The Fallen Angel is sympathetic because of this.
Mc becomes quite astounded when she comes to this realisation of how little she was protected from almost every male in her life. Along with CWF, there was a family friend who played with her budding little bosoms when she was as young as six. Then confessed to her he "shouldn't be doing this," yet never stopped. In later years she came to understand that like attracts like and this man knew he could get away with what he was doing because he knew CWF was doing something similar. It was as if all the pedophiles within calling distance knew they could come prey on her because they wouldn't be stopped.
For Mc, she actually is finding it difficult to remember any good times, though she knows there had to be some. It wasn't just sexual abuse that surrounded her. It was beatings and mind games too. The Fallen Angel is patient with her because of this as well.
And he watches and waits as she rocks in her little corner, sometimes weeping, always sad. He waits for her to lift her head and look at him so they can begin the exploration of the Scarlet Abyss.
But before she can let go of everything, she has more explorations within her mind.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Come Inside
Mc doesn't like the Scarlet Abyss, though she should. She doesn't like it because it's messy. It's wet and moves constantly, never retaining a shape for more than a minute or so before shifting into another form of wet, sweaty, red heat. Mc doesn't like any of that at all. It all means passion and she lost her passion long, long ago.
Which is of course why the Fallen Angel dragged her kicking and screaming into the Scarlet Abyss lo these many years gone by.
Mc sits in a corner of the Abyss, hugging her knees to her chest and sometimes rocking a little, back and forth, small, scared moans emitting from her throat. She is naked except for a thin shift of cotton which barely covers her body forcing her to constantly tug at it, making sure she's covered. You see, she cannot display any of her charms. It reminds her of a horrible night that had no business ever occurring.
It came to pass one horrific November that she and he whose loins produced the seed to help create her were traveling across the great expanse of the world.
That's too long a moniker. Let's call him Crap Wanking Fucktard, CWF for ease of typing.
And so it was that their flight was delayed due to fog and in the delightful domino effect these things create, it happened that they had to spend one night in a hotel as the last flight out to their final destination had left before they arrived at the airport. The airline they were traveling on ponied up the cash for this stay and with a daughter only sixteen years of age, any "normal father" would have secured two rooms. Or at least two beds in one room.
But no.
One bed, one room and nary a 'brow was raised at this by anyone. Or if it was, CWF took no notice and Mc, little mouse that she is, protested not one little bit. Instead, she followed dutifully behind CWF and in the room, put on as many clothes as she could, crawled into bed and positioned herself on her stomach, arms clenched firmly against her bosom on either side.
This did not deter CWF. After getting into bed himself, next to her, clothed inappropriately in only a t-shirt and briefs, he tugged gently at her arm to see if he could get her to do something he had managed to do once before - that she can remember - when alone one night with her.
To Mc's credit, he failed. She spent the night awake and alert, despite having traveled for 19 hours straight, fending off the occasional attacks that occurred throughout that long night when CWF would wake and need. This is what passed for "love" from CWF for Mc. As stated, she was chattle. A thing he felt it appropriate to use and abuse. And even though he was not successful, the wound was ripped open in her psyche and she suffers from it still.
Because, you see, the punchline to this story is: CWF is a preacher. A "man of God". Someone who had the very large gall to tell others how to live their lives so they might get into the Kingdom of Heaven, walk the streets paved with gold after passing through the pearly gates. A man who every week, four times a week, praised His name and read from the Good Book and lectured his flock on how to treat your fellow man.
Guess that didn't include daughters.
"Honour thy mother and father," Mc had been told throughout her first sixteen years on the planet. What a convenient rule for those men who would take their own daughters into the realm of sex.
Is it any wonder, then, that Mc fears the Scarlet Abyss?
The Fallen Angel knows what's best for her, though and will keep trying.
Which is of course why the Fallen Angel dragged her kicking and screaming into the Scarlet Abyss lo these many years gone by.
Mc sits in a corner of the Abyss, hugging her knees to her chest and sometimes rocking a little, back and forth, small, scared moans emitting from her throat. She is naked except for a thin shift of cotton which barely covers her body forcing her to constantly tug at it, making sure she's covered. You see, she cannot display any of her charms. It reminds her of a horrible night that had no business ever occurring.
It came to pass one horrific November that she and he whose loins produced the seed to help create her were traveling across the great expanse of the world.
That's too long a moniker. Let's call him Crap Wanking Fucktard, CWF for ease of typing.
And so it was that their flight was delayed due to fog and in the delightful domino effect these things create, it happened that they had to spend one night in a hotel as the last flight out to their final destination had left before they arrived at the airport. The airline they were traveling on ponied up the cash for this stay and with a daughter only sixteen years of age, any "normal father" would have secured two rooms. Or at least two beds in one room.
But no.
One bed, one room and nary a 'brow was raised at this by anyone. Or if it was, CWF took no notice and Mc, little mouse that she is, protested not one little bit. Instead, she followed dutifully behind CWF and in the room, put on as many clothes as she could, crawled into bed and positioned herself on her stomach, arms clenched firmly against her bosom on either side.
This did not deter CWF. After getting into bed himself, next to her, clothed inappropriately in only a t-shirt and briefs, he tugged gently at her arm to see if he could get her to do something he had managed to do once before - that she can remember - when alone one night with her.
To Mc's credit, he failed. She spent the night awake and alert, despite having traveled for 19 hours straight, fending off the occasional attacks that occurred throughout that long night when CWF would wake and need. This is what passed for "love" from CWF for Mc. As stated, she was chattle. A thing he felt it appropriate to use and abuse. And even though he was not successful, the wound was ripped open in her psyche and she suffers from it still.
Because, you see, the punchline to this story is: CWF is a preacher. A "man of God". Someone who had the very large gall to tell others how to live their lives so they might get into the Kingdom of Heaven, walk the streets paved with gold after passing through the pearly gates. A man who every week, four times a week, praised His name and read from the Good Book and lectured his flock on how to treat your fellow man.
Guess that didn't include daughters.
"Honour thy mother and father," Mc had been told throughout her first sixteen years on the planet. What a convenient rule for those men who would take their own daughters into the realm of sex.
Is it any wonder, then, that Mc fears the Scarlet Abyss?
The Fallen Angel knows what's best for her, though and will keep trying.
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